Depression

On Depression

 

Yesterday, my heart skipped, hopped and jumped
At the sight of the tide coming in,
Free as the sliding sun, breaking a path through my
closed eyes.

This evening, i saw the tide come in, perched in much
the same space as yesterday; whether it was the same or not,
my heart still skipped, hopped and jumped, this time into
A dark pool of the unexplicable, the unexplainable,
The unascertainable.

There are
phases where i cherish company,

And then there are those times i perish
when with more than three;

Moments I run from all around,
Hiding in solitude and those moments i gravitate towards, hiding
in plainsight.

Everyday is constituted
Of these different moments,

Unshaped,unintended, unrequested,
Always lurking, always peeking, a

Always looming, always threatening
And always quick to settle,

Quick to conquer

And quick to confound.

And the day turns, as the hours do, as the tide does.

The tides, they come and they go, sometimes within the month, sometimes within the week,

Within the day, within the hour, within now. Sometimes i know,

Sometimes i don't but the tides still come and go,

Unclocked, unfettered, unstructured, unerring.

And then the tides creeps up, creeps up, creeps up upon,
Creeps up upon you, upon me, upon us, upon them. Tide no more. Tidal
Waves.

And
As i coil
Recoil, uncoil
Bounce back, come back, rise from amongst the dead,
From those accounted amongst the drowned.
Present myself, show myself, tentatively extent a hand,
An olive branch to them, to some, and to you,
Fresh from being swept back to the beach by the tide,
With my pride in hand and eyes down, I see them
Glazed from not seeing which is a mercy small. I see some
slide a look accusing me of being comer and goer,

Of being a person who picks his moments. They are
unlike you, whose heart is large and warm, welcoming
And embracing of another whose moments pick him. But you
Are one, are solitary, are only, are mono, and your patience is
immense and arms strong, strong enough to hold, to embrace,
to hold steady, for only so long, for only so many turns of the tides.

Maybe i might, maybe i should, maybe i could
Reveal, the contradictions that define
The sudden swell, the quicker fall, the surprising calm.

If i tell you that i cannot live without

the silence encountered at three a.m.. Calm.
Till this calm, every now and then, reveals a guttural timbre when the silence
hums, humms, hummms, hummmms

To a small, steady beat of midnight peaked, a beat that

Gathers around and begin a propulsive roll that forments

The thoughts already latent, thoughts that grow

Long, unwieldy, erratic shadows, that open doors hiding sunshine

and doors hiding the darkness of the night. That each propulsive roll

Leads to a different door, not doors. A door

Behind which hides only one. Not a choice, not russian

Roulette, only a rigged game, only a rigged game.

But if you wait, if you could wait,

There will be a door, behind which

The sunshine will be swept ashore by the tide. And if you wait some more,

And help me wait,maybe the tide will come in

Once more, as a tide, as a tide. And everyday will

Be better, will be better.

On depression:

I have met many people who have gone through depression, in one form or the other. Many were themselves unaware that they were suffering from depression. Often, people react to depression in terms of the symptoms they see. Erratic habits, excesses ranging from over eating to loss of appetite, to sleep disorders, to social complexes etc. The processes that makeup, influence and cause depression are complicated, ranging from the social to the scientific.

According to WHO, more than 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Think about that. 350 million. The odds are not good. Figures stacked up? Someone in your family or immediate circle of friends could be battling depression right now.

Another report pegs the depression stats (their definition differs from WHO) at 121 million. Still 121 million. According to the same report, more than 36% of the reported Major Depressive Episodes, in the world, occurs in India. Think about that. 36% of any disease, leave aside a mental health disease, being reported in India. A country not famous for medical incidents being reported at all. Whatever way the statistics work, and i have not done enough fact checking to boldly state one way or the other, the bottomline is that Depression is Prevalent. Depressingly prevalent.

If you know someone, or suspect that someone is suffering from depression, reach out to them. Be patient, be gentle. Help them get help, if necessary. Above all, a bit of peace, love and understanding.

Today's Prayer

Of Shillong Burning, the Courage to Stand, Why Do the Good Die Young and A Voice that Haunts Me

I. Burning

The Shillong Times reports that a special court will be set up to try cases of arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP agitation. You can access the article here: http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/

What is worrying is that in a city of 143,000, a bulk of whom are educated, there is hardly any encouraging dialogue or even conversations happening about the issues. The entire debate seems to be hijacked by a particular kind of voice. Whether the voice is right or wrong, the absence of (and perhaps the absence of space?) for multiple voices is conspicuous by its absence.

What justifies violence? What justifies hate? What justifies cruelty? Where is the root of our anguish? What are we doing to address the real causes? Reading reports such as this: http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/11/tension-ridden-durga-puja/ saddens me immensely.

Being from Shillong, i spent five years in Bangalore and more than three in Delhi and, yes, there are people just like a lot of us there. They wear similar attitudes and hold similar notions close to their hairy chests.  Are there stereotypes? Yes. Can they be overcome? Yes. Did my origins matter? Not too most but to some. For most, who i was and what i did was more important. What i also learned is that those who bought into and perpetuated the stereotypes did so for two reasons: (i) they were too lazy to think and it was the easiest thing to buy off the shelf of past by expiry date thoughts; or (ii) they were so trapped by their situation that believing and perpetuating such stereotypes was a way for them to feel good about themselves.

The bottom line? We are now behaving like slaves to stereotypes, handed-down, long worn out notions that don't bear closer scrutiny for the most part.

Why love when you can hate seems to be what we have come to embrace.

II. The Courage to Stand

The story of Malala Yousafzai is so empowering and very well known by now. I was impressed by what she had to say when she was interviewed by Jon Stewart of the Daily Show.

Listen for yourself:

Lord, give us the courage to stand, to look inside ourselves and smell the rot.

III. Why do the Good Die Young?

There is a kind of people, those that are epoch defining, generation shifting and when they have marked the land where they stand, they disappear. For good. I have recently discovered Craig Arnold and was blown away by his poetry. More than the art and the skill, his philosophy, the way he saw things. Those stand out. Like that other great loss Jeff Buckley (swimming) he died when he was communing with nature, on a trek.

Lines for painting on grains of rice  got me hooked. Permanently.

Lines like these:

Love is like velocity we feel the speeding up

            and the slowing down otherwise not at all

the more steady the more it feels like going nowhere

            my love I want to go nowhere with you

This is a good place to start, if you are so inclined: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/craig-arnold#poet

IV. A Voice that Haunts

To think that Steve Wold could have gone through his life unheard. How fortunate are we that into his sixties and spurred on by his health, he decided to share his gift in such a grand way. Seasick Steve.


 

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

THE decision taken by the MUA-2 Government to set up a special court to try cases related to arson and other crimes committed as part of the ILP demand agitation, could not have come a day later. This is a landmark decision that a government mandated to govern has done and perhaps should have done much earlier. The Supreme Court order is a lever for all state governments to use against groups involved in disruptive activities that bring all functions of private and public institutions to a grinding halt. That the state government is also computing the quantum of loss occurred due to disruption in its functioning and also the loss to public property is a welcome breather for many who watch in frustration at the rapid deterioration of law and order in Meghalaya, if not its complete absence
Read more at http://www.theshillongtimes.com/2013/10/04/defining-moment-for-meghalaya/#jgB8H3ZgRUr5Mcqd.99

Existentialism or Existential Crisis or Deconstruction of a Young Mind?

"The mind is an excellent servant but a terrrible master"

Last post, i started with "Something. Has. Been. Bothering. Me". This  time, i won't (i didn't). Started like a manufactured essay with that quote, though. Well, that may be because this is titled "Existentialism or Existential Crisis or Deconstruction of a Young Mind?" but i don't care. After all, should we not apply the rule: "The world is full of apathy and i don’t care". There, i have successfully managed to derail what was supposed to be a thoughtful introduction because context is everything (or was it king?), right?

I. The "I" Question

I am,

I am circled in,

I am encircled by

Religion's sin

I am,

I identify,

I am identified by

Identity

Am I

Aroused by

An imagined, enacted

Reality?

Am I

What's been whispered to me

That I am

Supposed to be?

Am I

A plasticine man

Told and played

Conducted and directed?

Am I who I'm told I am?

II. The "Who Is" Question?

Science and questions,

Answers and religions,

The what do you knows,

The who do you knows,

The problem of origin,

The problem of original sin,

No one knows, no one knows.

Starting assumptions,

Incomplete explanations,

Designed or a dance with chance?

Neither is here,Neither is there,

Each begins with

A leap of faith, A leap of faith.

III. The "Choice" Answer 

Pacifists, realists

Apologists, rationalists,

Crusaders, crucifiers,

Perpetrators, actors,

Populists, artists,

Creationists, scientists,

I could be all,

I could be none,

I could be another,

But I'd rather

Be a constant,

The common human denominator.

.............................................................................

For those interested in an engaging conversation (yes, Richard Dawkins is featured - he is one of the best firestarters i know) somewhat related to the theme that this piece tries to address (touch upon is perhaps a better choice of words. egads), you could do worse than consider this as your debate kickstarter:

Whats interesting to note is that Richard Dawkins places himself at a 6 out of 7, an "unlikelyist". What an honest position to take! After all, the absence of proof is no proof neither is it proof that no proof can exist. Neither here nor there.  Ultimately, we all begin (or end with) a leap of faith. If we don't, then we must be prepared to sleep with an incomplete, imperfect picture.

As for me, i know that i'd - in the least - always want to be  humanist.

Unrelated:

And since it is already 1:30 in the morning and i should be either studying or sleeping, this should help me (and you, if you should ever need a mood-setting @ 1:30  a.m)

I love this song about as much as i love Hallelujah. Leonard Cohen is a poet. All good lyricists have to be. There are some other pretty extraordinary and distinct versions by Adam Cohen, Joe Bonamassa and Katey Sagal. Each deserves a listen, each does.

Violence

I am not a subscriber to violence (wwe does not count). I poke your eye and make you one eye blind. You poke my eye and make me one eye blind. We poke the world and we make them one eye blind. And then we go for the other eyes. Aye! (All say) Aye! See?

What with petrol bombs to lathi charges to stone pelting (if only they were David, eh?) to crazy truck drivers, we need a change.

Humbly, and tentatively, I, therefore, propose that we need to re-imagine "Violence".

One way i'd like to reinterpret violence is this:

Violence, when her coated lips move/
Violence, when she grabs in love/
Violence, when she devours with her eyes/
Violence, when sparks fly/
Violence, she perpetrates violence//

See? Very violent. Very delicious. Next time a bandh is called for, engage in violence (reimagined kind, of course).

 

There is no Preamble to This

There will be no preamble to this
It will be what it is
Exactly the way it is
It will skirt round apologies
And it will be bliss.

There will be no routine
It will be what it becomes
It will be as it comes
It will be mine
But you'll be welcome.

Hi. I'm glad that i have found my words (my erstwhile effort was the now defunct and removed losing my words). I have, inadvertently, ended up supplying a preamble to this blog. Well, it is as it is. Hope you find something here to annoy you, provoke you, entertain you, that leaves you feeling wistful or - and i hope this happens - that leaves you smashing your screen.